We men have been intently studying “The 10 Worst Things You Can Say to Your Girlfriend”, and I can promise that I’ll never again command a woman to “relax” (unless, maybe, we’re on vacation in the Caribbean). So ladies, don’t you think it’s only fair that you now commit to memory the worst things you can say to your boyfriend? Read the lines below, and never recite them again:
1. “I hate your friends.”
You may not appreciate the way Billy chugs beer and smashes cans on his head in our living room, but hate is a terribly strong word. Our friends are extensions of ourselves, representing at least one or more of aspect of our personalities — we will take any unfounded criticism of our friends just as personally as you would any similar affront to your lady pals.
2. “Well, Trevor never did that.”
Great, so your ex-boyfriend never accidentally farted in front of you. Does that excuse him for the facts that he had no personality and dressed like a homeless magician? Hey, if you miss Trevor so much, why aren’t you with him now? Men absolutely hate being compared to other guys you’ve dated.
3. “Aw…Trevor used to do that!”
You know what? It’s probably best not to talk about previous relationships in any capacity whatsoever. We hate Trevor.
4. “How do I look?”
Ask this only if you honestly, truly want to know. Otherwise you can’t be surprised when we tell you what we really think of that unflattering dress or bizarre new makeup technique clearly inspired by circus clowns. With that said, a guy should compliment a lady on those things he does like before she even has to ask.
5. “I’m fine.”
Are you, though? Are you really? We know that “I’m fine” after a big fight, crying bout, or a merely difficult conversation indicates that you’re actually anything but fine. It’s fine if you’re fine, but don’t use “I’m fine” as a passive aggressive way of testing us…or buying time to silently plot our murder. (The same goes for “nevermind.”)
6. “If you loved me…”
Just because we don’t feel like administering a foot massage the moment we are commanded to doesn’t mean that we don’t love you. Have faith and be patient.
7. “Don’t look at her!”
No, we don’t like being told what to do, especially when it’s to not glance at another human being. Sure, commenting about or acting upon our primitive urges is unquestionably unacceptable, but we men are visual beasts. We will look at Kate Upton, and we will like what we see. It doesn’t mean that we’re going to leave you for her! (Unless Kate begs.)
8. “So what if we’re a little late?”
Of course it’s anything but the end of the world to show up a little bit late to any event (short of your own wedding, perhaps), but to blatantly dismiss a guy’s concerns is a sure way to frustrate him even further. If you’re late, apologize and talk about how it can be addressed in the future. Trust me, we already know how much you hate being told to “hurry up.”
9. “When we’re married…”
If it hasn’t already been explicitly discussed, a guy will freak out about the assumption that marriage is inevitable. And if a guy is on the fence about it, strong-arming him will more than likely just push him in the opposite direction.
10. “You’re not able to sexually satisfy me.”
Oh, boy. If there’s one way to deflate a man’s ego, these are the magic words. Uttering such a phrase will make his poor manhood wither like a soggy, limp French fry, and it may never recover. If you’re truly sexually incompatible, you should find another partner at craigslistpersonalsalternative.com— but don’t allow temporary frustration to inspire hurtful, defeatist, blanket statements.